I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
