I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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