The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize