I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
they're like a gay fantastic four
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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