I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
