i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
