Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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