You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
