did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
