Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize