There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
