He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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