I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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