Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
