why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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