Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
