I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize