I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
