Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
