Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
