If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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