ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
