just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
