So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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