My first STD was from a foam party
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize