No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The uberlube is also flammable
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
