Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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