i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
