I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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