Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
