I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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