I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
