When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
