Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
