He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
