You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
