i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
