Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
