***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize