Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
