Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
