guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
