i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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