Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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