I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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