I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
