peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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