are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
