Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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