I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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