This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
