I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize