WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
