i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
