Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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