sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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