i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
